A Day In The Post-Mahmoud Classroom

It looks like the Supreme Court, guided once again by A) a profoundly impaired understanding of how schools work and B) a belief that it's unconstitutional to interfere with a religious conservative's desire to organize the world to suit their beliefs-- will decide in favor of Maryland parents (carefully selected so that this won't look like just a white christianist thing) who want to be able to opt their children out of any lessons that suggest that LGBTQ persons exist in the world.

To be clear, the idea of alternative assignments doesn't bother me-- I've offered them in my own class for works that push the envelope. But this case takes us into whole new territory.

So let's take a look at the classrooms of the future should this ruling come through.

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"Okay, class. Today we're reading 'Pride Puppy,' the story of a puppy who gets lost at a Pride parade. That means that Pat, Sam, Eddie, and Xavier-- go down to the Special Room till I send someone to bring you back--"

"You mean the room that used to be the gym?"

"Yes, that's it. See you in a bit."

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"Mrs. Smith, I have a question about the Puppy story. Why did they--"

"Hold on a second, Ethel. Pat, Sam, Eddie, and Xavier-- head down to the room. This should only take a second."

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"Yes, this is Principal Shmershwerks. What can I do for you, Mrs. Smith. You're upset because Mr. Smith doesn't have any family pictures on his desk, and you figure that since only the gay teachers aren't allowed to put out family pictures, he must be one of the gay ones, and you would like him to...? Oh, either be less gay or you want Pat out of that class."

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"Okay. today we are going to-- what is it, Pat?"

"My mom says that the people on Page 16 look kind of gay to her, and she thinks I shouldn't have to read this book with the class."

"What do you mean, they look kind of -- never mind. Go to the room."

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"Okay, class. I see some of you were a bit confused by this early scene in The Sun Also Rises so let's look at the clues. When Jake first sees Brett in the novel, she's entering a cafe with some men described as having white hands and wavy hair. One makes a comment about seeing an--"

"Actual harlot!"

"Right. And one calls another 'dear,' and Jake comments that 'I know they are supposed to be amusing, and one should be tolerant..."

Light bulbs go on around the room. "Ooooohh! It's a bunch of gay guys."

Six hands go up around the room. They hadn't figured out the LGBTQ content on their own.

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"Wait. Why are you being opted out of the entire unit on Marie Curie? She wasn't gay."

"But my folks say she is an unhealthy model because she didn't stay home and act as a proper helpmate for her husband. That's not the right way for a woman to--"

"Go."

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"The following students will be going to the room for the next two weeks while we complete our unit on Walt Whitman--"

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"Why are you students back already. I told you we'd be discussing Kate Chopin's The Awakening all week. Remember? Story of a woman unhappy to be a wife and mother, written by a lady author who wore pants?"

"Yes, we know. Sorry. But biology classes are doing evolution this week and the room is already full."

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"I don't understand. Why are you opting out of this lesson?"

"This poem definitely refers to the world as a globe, but in my family, we believe that the earth is flat."

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"Yes, Pat?"

"Mrs. Smith, my family has a religious objection to eating meat, and this character clearly has a hamburger for lunch. Expect to hear from my father's lawyer over the lack of advanced warning."

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"So, Mrs. Jones, you want Pat opted out of lessons because of the pronouns? Not just 'those gay pronouns,' but you have objections to all pronouns?"

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"Yes, this is Principal Shmershwerks. Yes, hello Mrs. Wiggins. You want Sam moved out of Mrs. Smith's classroom because why?...Oh, because you saw Mrs. Smith's new haircut and it looks kind of butch."

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"Okay, class. According to the posting on today's opt out request list, Pat's family objects to the portrayal of geocentric orbit, Sam's family objects to the suggestion that God loves short people, Quinn's family objects to the portrayal of talking fish on religious grounds, three other families object to the use of caricatures on moral grounds, and Patsy's mother has moral objections to any use of the word 'oral'. All of these objections have been referred to the District Office of Moral and Religious Issues, which will consult with the State Office of Religious Concerns, and we'll let you know whether your religious issues are officially recognized by the state or not."

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